LUNATIC 1312/UNL SOLDIER

good.  Great, even.  I love doing what I do and being with the people I’m with.  My Unleashed and 1312 family - much love to you.  

I’ve been opening up my mind a lot lately - discovering some new things about myself and thus navigating the maze of life.  And getting feloniously fucked up.  

Also, it irks me to know that there are haters even at the elementary stage I am at in the game - but I just have this to say to you. 

Pussies.  

Everyone out there keep doing what you do and invest yourself in your craft.  You need to work to survive in this world but your art is immortal.  Remember that.

I feel ecstatic.  Not about now, but certainly about the future.

I don’t necessarily have the time to be writing this, but I am anyway because I need to release, and truthfully I left my journal at home.

This is to people who mean a lot to me, and have afforded me the courage and inspiration to continue on through times of adversity -

I am an embodiment of your visions, and it is mainly because you continue to see what I am in pursuit of that I can trudge on through the difficulties and insecurities that come with being a human.  We all wish to secure our own individual paths, and though I too am attempting to do this, I acknowledge that I share my accomplishments with you - directly or indirectly.

Your eyes have seen what I cannot fathom, but your words supply me with the faith that it is in fact attainable.  I believe that one day, we will both know exactly the measure of the ripples resulting from our actions, and you will see that mine, though seperate from your own, are in ways reverbations of yours.

You have taught me to look upon life with a relaxed eye - kind of like Rodney Yee in yoga lessons - I had to throw that in there.  Stress depreciates the value of one’s life, and throughout my life I have learned to use confidence and decisiveness to eliminate stress to the best of my abilities - and that is thanks to several important people in my life.

You have taught me to be fierce - to demand what it is necessary but also to be compassionate and understanding.  I am in no way shape or form a master of these traits, but I do strive to keep them under my belt.  Your countless words of encouragement and your countless words of discouragement have been instrumental in my development as a person, and I hold them both close to my heart. 

Your mistakes have sometimes translated into my successes, and sometimes even my own versions of your mistakes.  However, the repetition of these errors will only lead to the conquering of the same errors later in life - so I thank you. 

Some of the people in my life that I have loved most are gone away or passed away.  Some I will never see and some I must wait to see.  They all, however, are angels in my eyes and I must credit anything I ever attain to them.  And myself - a little bit.

In the end, we are all students.  It is up to us to pay attention in the classroom that is life - and it is up to us to keep our glass empty and drink up the knowledge that is presented to us daily.  I want nothing more from life than to learn and love. 

Very obsessive.  When my mind becomes attracted to an idea - rather, when my mind becomes infatuated with an idea, I free fall at absurd speeds into what one would call obsession.

But this obsession is only a mist. Mist clears eventually, and when you are able to admire my obsession for what it really is - you will find that it is love.  Nothing more or less, I simply love what I do.

I am detached from the world.  I don’t need the things you need. I may want the things you want - but I shelve them for an appropriate time.  Some wish to carefully examine every aspect of their craft - every flaw and every success.  No. Not for me.

I AM this. I BECAME this, I LIVE this, I BREATH this, and I WILL DIE as this.

More importantly - I LOVE this.

I don’t need to correct what I am, I just need to be.  Why examine?  Just do.

The moral of the story is this: 

I’m tired. No doubt, I’m tired of processing documents and editing litigation paperwork.  I’m also tired of people lacking motivation, lacking conviction.

I WANT TO SEE SOME FUCKING CONVICTION.

What do you do? Answer that, then get out there and do it.

Why talk about it?  I’m sitting here at work wishing I could work on my craft.  In fact, I’m wishing so hard that I decided to write about it.  Don’t tell my boss.. 

Anyways.  For the sake of avoiding contradiction, I’ll keep this short:

DON’T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. GO DO IT. KEEP DOING IT. YOU WILL BE GREAT.

Everyone says life is short. True, but the fact is life is what you make of it.  How far do the ripples of your life travel? 

You can be a splash.. Give lackluster effort every so often and assume the position the rest of the time..

Or you can be a meteor, I’m talking about some Deep Impact shit.  You hit the water and BOOM! Fucking tidal wave.  Make everyone else feel your CONVICTION.

Your choice.  Back to work.

There were times that I was sure I felt it, and now I am not sure if I was even close.  What is infatuation? What is love?  I fail to see a difference.

I have heard time and time again that love is not infatuation.  In fact, love is something more tangible and rational, and is a symbol of the sacrifices you make for someone you genuinely care about.  To what extent this makes infatuation irrational or impulsive, I disagree.  What if the love spurts we get during puberty are actually biological mechanisms to pair us up with someone? Or perhaps we were never meant to pair with anyone..

Being content with someone and feeling obliged to them is not love, not in my eyes.  I feel that infatuation is the first step.. and that leads to love.  Some say that infatuation fades, and that this proves that it cannot be love.  Love is everlasting, or so we are told.  However, if you fall in love with someone - or as I would say become infatuated with someone - and it fades, then so be it.  You may not see at as true love.  What if you’re wrong?  What if love is meant to fade.. The institution of marriage and our self imposed societal representations of what love means to us.. these things are all contrived.  How would we even know what love is when we feel more obligation to the social norms surrounding the very idea of love than to the emotion itself?

I write this deep in thought regarding my own experiences with the L word.  The last person I fell hard for.. it still hurts inside when I see her face.  Most of me, as I have become more rational, says to forget everything remotely connected with that situation and move on.  However, it still interrupts my train of thought every now and then, and every now and then it hurts.  I’ll see a picture.. or hear her name.  See it on a street sign.  Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good.  I feel longing, hopelessness, and maybe love. 

Nah, not maybe. Definitely.

I’m walking down a path of forgetfulness, but the path is so fucking long I might just turn around live in hopelessness.  Who knows.

I’ve fallen back in love with it.  I used to follow and critique  my movements religiously.. Now I’ve been injured for so long I couldn’t recall the freedom that I’m granted from indulging in this art.

I will post a practice video soon.

Everyday that I wake up, I think about the day that I will not wake up; I think about the day I will die.  Due to this continual process of deathly reflection (as I will call it), I think about legacy.  Isn’t that what we are here to do, build a legacy?  Not just a legacy, but my legacy, your legacy.

I am a product of my environment, and I am sure that any other person could say the same of themselves.  However, what I have become and what I produce has little to do with the actual method behind producing legacy.  It is my strong belief that we must work in order to truly accomplish this, to truly leave behind something worth remembering.  In “work,” I do not mean to toil, but rather to constantly produce and build.  

In the words of my loving mother, “Never do nothing.”  Even when you do not know what exactly you are destined to do, you must do what you feel is right until this knowledge comes to you.  Eventually you will know, and if you never quite find out, I believe that you will die knowing what you attempted.  This kind of fulfillment must and I reckon will be unrivaled, and thus I strive for it.

I have never been one to believe in fate.. or destiny.  I do believe that we are ‘meant’ to do some things; whether or not we accept the conditions of our lives and how they shape our activities is up to us.  I believe in choice and that our choices to produce or create reflect our character.  Our choices to destroy also reflect our character, and I hope that I can make the appropriate choices in the future. 

I can say with confidence that I am in existence simply to test my human potential.

I want to encourage future generations to further press the envelope, and thus assist them in retaining the drive and confidence to continue paving the road to legacy.  I want mental perseverance to be as much of a priority as compassion and sympathy.  If we could all relate perfectly to each other and respect each other’s views..  Such a thought is naive at best.  However, we should strive for that.  Why not aim for the impossible? What if you could achieve it.. What if you DID achieve it?  Although the chances are slim, this is not a lottery.  We control the chances.

I have left out my personal details simply because I want this to be applicable to everyone.  What are you building?  When you find that out, tirelessly build it.  Tirelessly produce, because you are not building for nothing.  You are creating a legacy to pass down that will eternally inspire.  You are giving future generations hope.

I once heard that hope is a dangerous thing.  It is, but only for those who choose to destroy.  

I will be building my legacy with my bare hands, and when I die, I will look upon it with pride before my eyes close forever.  I will grace it with one tear of joy and one tear of sadness; joy in how honored I will be to have created it, and sadness in that I cannot be there to see what others will do with what I have created.